-By LeN Foreign Affairs Editor
(Lanka-e-News -10.May.2025, 11.20 PM) In an international twist so surreal it might as well have been scripted by a Coca Cola–fuelled Netflix showrunner, U.S. President Donald J. Trump—flanked by a gold-plated Bible, a McDonald’s cheeseburger, and his eternal quest for relevance—has declared that he alone brought about a ceasefire between India and Pakistan, two nuclear-armed rivals who recently tried to out-fly, out-gun, and out-shout each other across the Line of Control.
In a hastily arranged press conference at Mar-a-Lago, Trump boomed:
“It was a huge success. Tremendous success. Modi called me crying, begging me a ceasfire, Shehbaz called me roaring like victorius Lion. I said, ‘Gentlemen, put the missiles away. Nobody wins a war. Except me. I win everything.’”
The saga began when a swarm of Pakistani JK-17 fighter jets, sporting Chinese PL-15 air-to-air missiles (and an attitude problem), darted across the LOC and took down not one, not two, but allegedly five Indian aircraft—three of which were French Rafales, making Dassault Aviation immediately consider rebranding them as “Rafa-il” (as in, “fail”).
The Pakistani Ministry of Defence celebrated like a kid who just beat their older sibling in FIFA:
“Our homegrown JK-17s made French engineering taste like stale croissants.”
Indian defence analysts, meanwhile, reached for the nearest whiteboard and began recalculating the “Make in India” doctrine, whispering nervously:
“Maybe we should also Make in China.”
The Indian Air Force retaliated with its own strike package, launching Mirage-2000 sorties deep into Pakistani airspace. However, in a shocking twist, Pakistani ground-to-air defences proved more competent than WhatsApp university’s strategic claims.
For the first time since the Great Partition Hangover, reports surfaced of missiles breaching Indian airspace and reaching the vicinity of New Delhi, sending shockwaves through Lutyens’ power corridors and causing a spike in sales of adult diapers.
Amidst the roar of air raid sirens and the humming of bureaucrats trying to Google “how to survive a missile strike,” Prime Minister Narendra Modi appeared on national television in his now-iconic lotus-themed kurta, declaring:
“We shall fight them in the hills, we shall fight them in the skies, we shall even fight them in the Supreme Court if necessary.”
But no sooner had he finished the speech than reports began pouring in: Indian forces had suffered not just a technological setback, but a public relations catastrophe.
Pakistani troops had reportedly crossed the Line of Control (again), waved green flags, and posed for TikTok videos. One unverified video shows a Pakistani soldier doing the bhangra near an abandoned Indian outpost, captioned: “LOC or LOL?”
The much-touted Rafale jets—acquired by India in a multi-billion-dollar deal that had opposition parties foaming at the mouth for years—failed to deliver the aerial dominance they had promised. Meanwhile, Pakistani JK-17s, assembled locally with Chinese parts and Pakistani ambition, turned the skies into an awkward French roast.
Dassault CEO reportedly cancelled his Eurotrip and went straight to Islamabad to check if they could do a reverse deal: “We’ll swap you a few more planes if you let us copy your marketing.”
Just when South Asia seemed ready to turn into a microwave-ready Hiroshima remix, in walked Donald Trump—the man, the myth, the unsolicited mediator.
Apparently, both countries agreed to a ceasefire brokered via a conference call arranged by Elon Musk, translated by Google AI, and moderated by Joe Rogan.
Trump claimed full credit:
“I told Modi—who I call Moody because he’s very moody—I told him, ‘You’re not gonna win this one, champ. Take the L.’ He said, ‘But my image!’ I said, ‘Your image can’t stop a missile, buddy.’”
While the Indian PM sulked, Pakistani PM (or perhaps the Chief of Army Staff, depending on which part of Islamabad you ask) reportedly giggled and said:
“We accept the ceasefire, but only after we updated our YouTube thumbnail.”
Back in New Delhi, Modi now faces a political storm that makes Cyclone Tauktae look like a gentle breeze. BJP MPs, typically as loyal as the Gujarat Lions’ fan club, have reportedly formed an internal WhatsApp group titled “Operation Mod-Exit.”
Firebrand MPs are demanding accountability for the war’s failure. One was overheard yelling:
“He promised us Pakistan in seven days. He couldn’t even manage Punjab!”
The real casualty of the war, however, may be India’s National Security Advisor Ajit Doval—who, once hailed as the James Bond of Chanakyapuri, is now facing calls to retire and start a YouTube channel titled “How to Lose a War Without Really Trying.”
A BJP insider, requesting anonymity and a glass of whiskey, said:
“He’s old. Too old. He took us into a war we didn’t prepare for. And now Trump is taking selfies with both sides while we’re left with broken aircraft and bruised egos.”
Meanwhile in Rawalpindi, the mood is triumphant. The Pakistani military is planning a national parade, a biopic on JK-17, and possibly an aircraft carrier—yes, you read that right.
Sources say Pakistan is planning to commission its first indigenous aircraft carrier, dubbed PNS Ghazi 2.0, which will host JK-17s and float menacingly around the Indian Ocean like a reality TV villain.
“We can reach any Indian city in under 45 minutes,” said one Pakistani naval official, while polishing a model ship and humming the Top Gun theme.
Indian strategists responded with concern:
“Aircraft carriers are like ex-girlfriends—once they start circling you, you know you messed up.”
As the dust settles on the Indo-Pak war redux, Pakistan’s military establishment has already announced the “second phase”—a decisive campaign to “eliminate the Baloch Liberation Army,” which they accuse India of backing through covert means.
Pakistan Army Chief General Asim Munir thundered from his podium:
“We beat Rafale with JK-17. Now we beat the foxes in Balochistan.”
Analysts warn that the renewed focus on Balochistan could trigger another cycle of unrest and accusations of human rights abuses. But Rawalpindi appears unfazed, now riding high on its "David beat Goliath" narrative.
The international community has reacted with a mix of shock, popcorn, and op-eds. European think tanks are scrambling to analyze why India's shiny new toys failed, while American commentators are trying to figure out whether Trump was joking, lying, or accidentally right.
CNN’s Anderson Cooper looked visibly confused as he read aloud Trump’s ceasefire speech.
“Did he really say ‘Modi cried and Imran prayed’? That’s not diplomacy, that’s fan fiction.”
Meanwhile, Indian television has broken into its usual self-cannibalism. Republic TV now blames China, Rahul Gandhi, Canada, and Netflix for India’s war woes.
Winner: Pakistan, for winning the war of perception and downing Rafales with homegrown jets.
Loser: Modi, whose “56-inch chest” slogan now feels like a badly tailored metaphor.
Wildcard: Trump, for doing what the UN, ASEAN, and Joe Biden couldn’t—broker a peace deal, steal the spotlight, and go viral.
And as Indian Twitter mourns, Pakistani Twitter gloats, and Trump tweets (via a gold-plated burner phone), one thing is clear:
In geopolitics, as in Bollywood, the drama never ends.
-By LeN Foreign Affairs Editor
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by (2025-05-10 19:31:52)
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