-By A Political Correspondent
(Lanka-e-News -23.May.2025, 11.20 PM) In a city where political scandal is as common as traffic jams and temple elephants, the arrest of former minister Duminda Dissanayake this week was less a bombshell and more of a Broadway revival — glitzy, implausible, and scripted with comedic absurdity.
The plot? One former Agriculture Minister, one gold-plated T-56 assault rifle, two baffled women (one Sri Lankan aunty and one accidental Kazakh accomplice), a suspiciously luxurious car, and a travel bag that should have belonged in an airport carousel, not a crime thriller.
Yes, this isn’t the plot of a Netflix true-crime docuseries. This is Colombo 2025.
It all started, as these things often do, with a phone call to the 119 emergency hotline. A passerby — likely on their way to buy mangoes — reported a suspicious elderly woman shuffling through the gates of a Havelock Town apartment complex with what appeared to be… a Kalashnikov.
Now, Sri Lankans have a strong constitution. We’ve endured wars, economic meltdowns, and daily reruns of Sirasa Teledramas. But even we draw the line at elderly ladies toting golden guns into luxury flats.
Within minutes, the Wellawatte Police arrived, clutching clipboards and mobile phones, ready to confront a potential terrorist granny cell.
Instead, what they found was something even more explosive: a woman in her sixties and her niece from Kazakhstan explaining with a straight face that they believed the shiny assault rifle was a toy. You know — like something you’d buy at the Majestic City toy shop, except with live ammunition and bulletproof bling.
Naturally.
The gold-plated T-56, which could have moonlighted as a prop in a Snoop Dogg music video, was found nestled inside a travel bag that had seen better days. The suspects were equally bemused. “We found it in the back of the car,” they insisted, claiming the doors were unlocked and that “someone must’ve just left it there.”
It’s unclear who “someone” is — perhaps the elusive Gold Gun Fairy — but that explanation didn’t convince the police, who detained the duo for questioning, citing suspicions of weapons concealment, aiding and abetting, and, potentially, possessing tragic taste in gun design.
The Kazakh niece, who had only recently arrived in Sri Lanka to “relax and reset,” may now be rethinking her wellness goals. Instead of yoga on the beach, she’s staring down the barrel of a terrorism investigation. Welcome to paradise.
Enter: Duminda Dissanayake — former Agriculture Minister, SLFP strongman, and proud owner (allegedly) of said gold-plated Kalashnikov. His name popped up when CCTV footage revealed the women carrying the rifle from a residence allegedly linked to him.
Dissanayake was arrested at a discreet address in Thimbirigasyaya, where he was reportedly “resting.” One can only speculate what he was doing — polishing more firearms? Writing his memoirs (From Paddy Fields to Firearms: A Minister’s Journey)? Or perhaps watching The Godfather for inspiration.
The arrest was made by the Terrorism Investigation Division, because obviously, nothing screams “domestic terror threat” like a confused aunty and a bedazzled gun in a townhome.
But the twist in the tale is this: Duminda isn’t just another politician with a penchant for impractical luxury. He’s political royalty — the sort who’s known to hand out government fertilizer like party favours and pose next to cows on Facebook during harvest season.
So what’s a man like that doing with a golden killing machine?
Sri Lankan politicians and impractical luxury are hardly strangers. From mansions in Malabe to Lamborghinis in Vavuniya, the country’s elite have a long-standing tradition of flaunting excess like a national sport. But a gold-plated assault rifle? That’s a new level of “VIP.”
And while no one is shocked anymore by the sight of Rolexes or Louis Vuitton briefcases in parliament, a minister owning a Kalashnikov designed for post-apocalyptic warfare does raise some... questions.
Was he preparing for a militia-backed run for SLFP leadership? Was it a gift from a shady arms dealer with a flair for presentation? Was he planning a remake of Scarface set in the dry zone?
Or is it, as his lawyer is sure to claim, simply a misunderstood decorative piece — like those fake swords hung above the sofa in suburban houses?
Meanwhile, the public is still reeling from the cast of characters involved. A Sri Lankan elderly lady and her Kazakh niece smuggling a golden gun in a Honda Vezel is the stuff of late-night stand-up routines.
“Was she supposed to shoot it or wear it to a wedding?” quipped one Twitter user.
Another theorized that Sri Lanka’s elderly mafia — once only suspected of jumping the pharmacy queue — had finally revealed its true colours.
And the Kazakh niece, now a minor celebrity in Colombo’s meme circuit, has unwittingly become the face of “bad travel choices.”
“What’s the worst thing that happened to you on vacation?”
“Oh, I got roped into an international arms investigation.”
Curiously, the Sri Lanka Freedom Party (SLFP) has yet to issue a formal statement. Unconfirmed reports suggest the party’s internal WhatsApp group is currently muted.
Party sources say Duminda’s arrest couldn’t have come at a worse time. With the SLFP already struggling to stay relevant amid NPP dominance and Rajapaksa nostalgia, the last thing it needed was one of its senior members caught in a gun-themed fashion scandal.
A senior party strategist reportedly said, “We were hoping to relaunch the party with a grassroots campaign. Now we’re trying to stop people from Googling ‘Duminda Dissanayake + gun + aunty.’”
The case is now in the hands of the TID, whose officers have been seen inspecting luxury SUVs, checking glove compartments for AK-47s, and asking baffled tenants in Havelock Town if they’ve seen any rogue firearms recently.
Meanwhile, Colombo’s gossip mills are working overtime. Was the gun used in a crime? Was it a gift from a Gulf arms syndicate? Is there a “Gun Cabinet” in Parliament that’s less metaphorical than we thought?
One thing’s for certain: this bizarre gold-gun scandal has offered a rare moment of national unity — not in outrage, but in collective laughter.
Because in a country where ministers once handed out coconuts to cure petrol shortages, and where political alliances shift faster than tuk-tuk meters, a gold-plated gun scandal feels almost… comforting. Like home.
As Duminda Dissanayake cools his heels in detention, legal teams prepare their alibis (“It was a ceremonial gun!”), and social media laps up the memes, one can’t help but marvel at the sheer Sri Lankanness of it all.
A scandal equal parts gangland noir, screwball comedy, and political satire. If Quentin Tarantino made a movie in Colombo, this would be the trailer.
But in a world teetering on the edge of reality and parody, only Sri Lanka could deliver a story where an ex-minister’s golden assault rifle sparks a terrorism investigation involving a Kazakh tourist, a senile aunty, and a bag that could win an award for “Worst Luggage Decision in Criminal History.”
As for Duminda? He might want to swap the camouflage for courtroom chic — because the only thing more dangerous than a golden gun in Colombo… is being caught not laughing about it.
-By A Political Correspondent
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by (2025-05-23 21:35:44)
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